Sunday, March 09, 2014

Dear Someone.

If I could sum it all up, I would tell you that you were a surprise. A surprise that truly caught me off guard and one that derailed me off every track I'd built inside of me. 

I have always dreamed of meeting someone like you. I have always thought of wanting to be close to someone who just effortlessly walks into my life and checks every bullet in my 'Man of My Dreams' list. I have always wanted to say, I found him. 

And you are him. The 'him' that a 20 year old me would approve. You were always there for me when I was feeling low. You kept coming back to me although I never really wanted to know you. Your presence meant nothing to me, and I didn't even know your name. But, you were there. And then, your presence started to mean everything to me. 

I love talking to you and telling you about my day. Not because I want to, because you ask, and you always want to know. I love our long talks about our pasts and future; some pasts were too dark and yet you still wanted me to know. I love how you make me forget about my heartbreaks and keep telling me that you are always there for me. I love that you include me in your big life decisions such as getting the house you've always wanted, and asking my opinions on how to decorate your future home. I love that you care for my friends and even want to meet them so that you could befriend people who mean so much to me. 



And most of all, I love the way you make me all giddy inside and you make me happy, real happy. You are like the teddy bear I never had, one that makes me all warm and fuzzy. I love how smart you are with your ideas and views on life, and that attracts me. I love how gentle you love the people around you, especially your parents. You're strong, optimistic, realistic, determined, stable, funny, collected and very dedicated to your work. You take good care of yourself and that inspires me to take good care of myself, too.

Every time you are away from me, I find myself waiting for you to come back so that we could tease each other with silly jokes and then cuddle til we both fall asleep. I don't know if I love you, maybe I do, but maybe I don't. I stop thinking about it, because all I can do now is to enjoy every waking moment with you. You give me a sense of serenity and security. I am everything I am when I'm with you, because you've seen and known my flaws. I can say anything crazy, and you laugh, because you understand what I mean and what I really don't.



I could imagine spending the rest of my life with you, and to see your face every morning when I wake up. I could imagine holding your hands as we watch movies together in the cinema. I could imagine being down with fever and you would be there with cold towel and panadols to ease my fever. I could imagine traveling around the world with you and take silly pictures together. I could imagine having petty arguments with you and we both would not go to bed angry, because you hate that. I could imagine you asking me how to fold bedsheets and shirts, because you don't have the slightest clue.

But you're not real. I want you to be real, to have and to hold, but you're not real. I know you're going to leave effortlessly, just as how you walked into my life. It's going to burn me, and I'm going to miss you badly. I'm going to dream of you and all that we could ever be, but you're not real. 



At times, I prayed that I was the one who came to your life earlier, and we both had done everything on earth together. I wish I had met you sooner, and not in this way. I wish I could fight for you. I wish I could wait for you, but that would be foolish of me. 

I hope someday you'll look back on your life, and you think of me. I hope you'll remember me and what I mean to you. And when you see something or someone that reminds you of me, you'll smile because you know you've had me. I'm going to reminisce and think of you as the one I could never have. It will hurt, but I know over time, I'll be okay. 



Maybe you'll read this someday, and smile because you know it's about you. Maybe you won't, but, that's alright, too. I just want to write and express what you mean to me. 

Maybe I'll see you in the future, somewhere nice perhaps, and we'll be smiling at each other from afar. Maybe in another life, we could be together and I unquestionably would not let you get away.
 

Saturday, March 08, 2014

What being single means to me.

Many years back, I thought I would be happily married to the man I loved by now. I had a pretty solid plan; get engaged in 2011, and then get hitched a year later. I seemed to have it all cut out for me, except that never happened. 

It seems that every girl has their own timeline to almost everything; when to get married, when to have kids, when to go on vacations. I was a sucker for timeline back then, I really thought it would work for me. Since then, I stop it altogether. Since I chose to be a single woman. 


I had a good relationship, and I had good people who truly cared for me, but I kind of screwed it all up when I decided to end my 7 year relationship with my ex. Nobody saw that coming, and nobody believed it came from me. But I digress. I like my life now. Screw that, I FREAKING LOVE it. I am going to turn 26 this year, and I have a slightest clue on boyfriends. So, these are the reasons I love being single, and probably a couple of reasons I sort of hate it.

WHY I LOVE MY SINGLE LIFE:
1. Absolute, unperturbed freedom.
I am free to make my own decisions and to act out on those decisions without any compromise or judgments. Sure, I make mistakes along the way but I learn a lot from the failed attempts and misguided days. I don't have to ask for second opinions when I want to buy lots of Charles & Keith bags. I don't have to explain to anyone why I am out chilling with friends at 2am.



2. I can like and admire whoever I want, anytime I want.
I like to think that I have a rather wild soul in me that thirsts for adventure and a whole lot of nonsense. I like admiring good looking people and sometimes I tell them, when I have the courage. Sometimes, they reciprocate and we hang out. I allow myself to be out there and talk to complete strangers because I simply like being around people. Sometimes, I have crushes on guys, but I now know well enough that they won't end up being my boyfriend.  



3. Total selfishness.
No, I don't mean it in I-matter-the-most or everything-in-this-world-should-be-mine kind of selfishness. It's the kind where you FINALLY can do things for yourself that you have not been able to do when you're in a relationship. I'm talking about being friends with guys & not being constantly pestered to end your friendships with them, going to places you've always to go to, being friends with anyone that you have connection with, buying whatever your heart fancies, dressing up anyhow you want and meeting anybody you like. 

You finally get to go to concerts that you've been wanting to attend & you finally get to know who you truly are, without restrictions.

Because everything you do, is all for you. 

4. Independence.
You know, the kind of relationships that make you co-dependent on each other? That everything you do or say must please your other half, and every decision you make must benefit each other. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but it's a relief to NOT be in that. I remember how dependent I was, that everything I did needed his approval and I couldn't go out shopping without him. I felt awkward & horribly terrified whenever I thought of sitting alone in cafes without him. 


I even felt so guilty whenever I went out with my girlfriends, because I feared he might think that I was cheating on him. Right now, I eat alone in cafes and it doesn't bother me a bit. I spend more time reading books and do some people watching, and whenever I'm lucky, I get to strike conversations with nice people there. I am free to go out at 12am whenever friends call me up for some good time or just some beer time at some cafe with a good live band. 

And the one I love the most? I am free to make my own choices & live with the consequences without a boyfriend who will say "I told you so!"

5. No constant judgments & criticisms.
If there was one thing I couldn't stand, it would be someone who kept criticizing every choice that you made. You make the smallest mistake, and your significant other starts to make the grandest speech on why you shouldn't have done it. You both get into a fight, and the next day, one of you pretends like the fight never took place. So, you start having grudges on each other, and some days you just feel like walking out on him/her. 

Now, I know eventually I'll fall again & stumble my way through this life with a lot of mistakes & hiccups, but I'll survive. This time, without so much slings and arrows coming my way.

 
6. You can go anywhere you want, and nobody's going to stop you.
When I started working, I told myself I would go out to the world and be all there. So, I'm always on the lookout for cheap tickets to any destination in the world. I want to go to Krabi & frolic in the sun on a pristine beach with crystal clear ocean in front of me. I want to go to New Zealand to experience the nature and bungee jump. I want to go to Bali & go to the Bali Spirit festival and meet some cool people. 

I want to go everywhere & anywhere, as long as my bank account permits me to, and no one to explain my intentions to travel to. 
 

And like everything in this world, all good things have to come to an end.

WHY I KIND OF HATE MY SINGLE LIFE:
1. It gets lonely.
I won't kid myself, it truly gets lonely at times when you're single. You miss having someone who is always there for you and someone to hold you whenever you are not feeling yourself that day. At times, I do long for someone permanent in my life, someone who will be my husband one day. Someone who will kiss my forehead & remind me how much he loves me, everyday. Someone who will wash my dirty car & take me out on dates. Someone who loves me more than I love him. Someone who appreciates all the little things I do for him.



2. It makes you vulnerable.
Having a man by your side means you are protected from all assholes out there. Being single doesn't. Some men pounce on you the moment they hear you are single. Some men test you by thinking they can win you. This is the time you'll meet all sorts of men and your self worth. This is the time you'll realize your strong persona scares weak men. This is the time you'll understand the true meanings of lust, infatuation and love. This is the time you'll have feelings you'll never fully comprehend. This is the time you'll have to constantly tell yourself to make better decisions.



This is the time you'll feel the pain that there isn't anyone there to care for you & to hold you at night. When the show ends and the curtains are drawn, you only have yourself & that has to hurt somehow. 

All these years, I thought I would never change. I lied. I have changed over the years & I have a different outlook on life now. I am more open to possibilities & I am learning to judge less. I have been single for a while now, and I keep telling myself, Hey it's okay, you chose this life. Yes, I definitely did choose this life. I choose to be alone. 

I have yet to meet the one I want to be with for the rest of my life. I have yet to meet anyone remotely close to that. I've definitely met a few jerks and a few nice ones, but that's all they ever are; just people I've gotten to know & have left. 


Someday, when I do meet Mr Right, he's going to be the one who's going to allow me to make mistakes & yet to know better than to judge me for them. He's going to be the one who is a stronger person than I am. 

Because being single has taught me the most profound thing; Always, always be strong for yourself, because you're all that you have now.

Disclaimer.

“Apa-apa komen, permintaan, cadangan atau komunikasi lain yang lucah, sumbang, palsu, mengancam atau jelik sifatnya dengan niat untuk menyakitkan hati,menganiayai, mengugut atau mengganggu orang lain; atau memulakan suatu komunikasi dengan menggunakan mana-mana perkhidmatan aplikasi, sama ada secara berterusan, berulang kali atau selainnya, dan dalam masa itu komunikasi mungkin atau tidak mungkin berlaku, dengan atau tanpa mendedahkan identitinya dan dengan niat untuk menyakitkan hati, menganiayai, mengugut atau mengganggu mana-mana orang di mana-mana nombor atau alamat elektronik, adalah melakukan suatu kesalahan, tindakan boleh diambil”.

AKTA 588, AKTA KOMUNIKASI DAN MULTIMEDIA 1998





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