To my child, I leave you my knowledge.

Throughout your life, you will encounter countless number of people who will tell you about their life experiences, what to do and what not to be done. I will be one of them, guiding & teaching you ways of life before you are ready to step out into the outside world alone.

I cannot promise you wings to fly far away from me, but I can promise you that I will allow you to make choices, even though I may not agree with them. I cannot promise you that life with me will be all beautiful & smooth sailing, but I will be the one who will cry with you and hold you close when your heart is broken. 

My love, I will leave you these life experiences & mistakes that I've made so that you will know that your mother is a normal human being, too. 

1. Be curious of the things around you, no matter how awkward they are. Ask, and you will learn more things each day. If you are wondering where babies come from, ask me. If you are wondering why the sky is blue, you may have to wait until you are in your Chemistry class so that you can ask your teacher instead. 

2. Read books. Read books that make your mind wonder and wander. Read books that make you Google up the pictures of the places described in them. You will learn about the cultures of the people centered in the books, and you will yearn to go to those places someday. Read books that are more than just about romance & fantasy. Read Reader's Digest, too, especially the laugh-out-loud pages. 

3. Most kids will have parents, you have me. We are a team, and until I find someone who will love you and me more than we love him, we are always going to be a team. If you fall, I will fall, too. If you fail, I will fail, too. And when you succeed, that will simply mean I've succeeded in raising you. 

4. There will be times you will ask who and where your father is. Believe me, I dread that question. He is not dead, and he is near. Life is about choices & decisions, and your father has decided to choose a life that does not involve us, and that is okay. People will leave you, my love, and your father is no exception to that rule. If you think that having me alone is not enough, then that means I have failed in raising you. Your father will not change his mind about us, and that means, we have to forgive him someday for not choosing us.

5. In schools, teachers will teach you how to read, spell & calculate. They will also be harsh and demanding, depending on how you behave in class. Don't be rude to teachers, my love. They are imparting knowledge to you, and anyone who gives you food or knowledge should not be disrespected. At home, I will teach you manners, time management, chores, how to pay taxes & bills, how to drive a manual car & how to change flat tires. There are many, many things schools will not teach you, so I have to take up the challenge in ensuring you will not be crippled once you leave the system.

6. When it comes to love, no love is the same twice. You will begin to have crushes on boys and they will find you attractive, too. But, when it comes to love, please know that your heart will get broken and you will break hearts, too. When your heart is shattered into pieces, your world will come tumbling down and whatever I say to you will not even matter. You will feel immense pain & torture that will affect you physically. It's always easier to describe pain than happiness, because happiness is easily found & lost, and pain just lingers, somehow. I have felt pain that cripple me.

7. When it comes to love, loving someone who will never love you back is the worst. No, I'm not talking about celebrity crushes. You will know & come across this kind of love, once or may be more times than you should have. This is the kind of love that will set you back & change your entire perception on loving & letting go. It will change you, and it will take you to a dark place that will take forever to get out from. But my love, I am the expert in that kind of love, for that is the love I have for your father. Missing him when he is out there having fun & loving someone else, and loving him to the point of madness yet, he still doesn't choose you. Tell me, kiddo, when you've found this love. 

8. On choices, there are so many and confusing options out there. Sexuality, food preference, travel, cars, houses, clothes and even people. Nothing is right or wrong in this world, simply because all the rights and wrongs are all determined by us humans. Talk to me about your choices, and don't go through them alone. We are a team, and team mates don't leave each other in the dark. 

9. You will have many friends, or maybe only a few close ones. It DOESN'T matter if you have very little or too many friends. It's always good to have people who you can laugh and have fun with. But it's best to have friends who speak well about you behind your back & criticize your choices in front of you. This world is full of hypocrites & liars, so choose your friends wisely. They represent a fragment of you. Friends should not complicate your life, because that's what lovers are for. Friends lift you up & support you in tough times. They don't just look for you in good times, they are willing to find you when you fall into the pit of darkness. Keep friends that you can ask out for breakfast & late night supper, and leave the ones who will only talk about themselves because they will have no time to ask about you.

10. English is THE language to learn & master. The world is moving forward, and English is widely used in most countries around the world. Polish up your grammar & vocabulary by reading more books and speaking it confidently with your friends. I will give you a hard time if you don't have a good command in English.

11. I have made so many mistakes in my life. I've left people who love me, and I've hurt people who mean so much to me. I've also embarrassed myself in front of people and I've gotten into silly accidents. You will, too, so don't regret them. This is a cliche, but mistakes are some of the ways for you to discover yourself & learn. Don't be afraid to make them. Everything has its reason, though most of the times, you will wish you know what the reasons are.

12. Don't whine about finishing school. You will regret wanting to be an adult, trust me. There is nothing fun about being an adult other than earning your own money & losing that money the next day after paying all the bills. School is fun, it's your experimental playground. Eat sand, dirt, fall down, scrap your knees, play badminton, take up the cooking class, eat bad canteen food, smell those body odors from your schoolmates, study, worry about period stains on your uniform, worry about girls, worry about boys and lastly, worry about your character. Good grades are great, but good characters go a long, long way. It's all part of growing up.

13. Sing your heart out. Music is the best therapy for most uncomfortable periods in life. I will introduce you to the songs in the late 80's and the 90's. Those songs are gems, which is rare nowadays amidst all the sex & drugs related songs. 

14. One thing no one will teach you about is loneliness. Loneliness is inevitable, even when you are right next to me or a million miles away. Everyone handles loneliness differently, and I don't want you to drown in it. Talk to me, even when you hate me. 

15. There will be times I will ask you to go for dancing and music classes. I want you to love them as hobbies, as they will be your personal therapists as you grow up. Life can be so disappointing at times, with all the failed relationships & attempts to better yourself as a human, so use them as your coping methods. Also, I have no idea on how to play the guitar or piano. 

16. Don't dismiss people's feelings and don't let your feelings be dismissed. All feelings are important, and you are not wrong for feeling certain emotions. People will ask you to get over it or stop feeling that way. DON'T. Feelings are ways for you to discover yourself, because that's how you build your resistance. If you're sad, cry. If you're happy, be jolly without fearing people's odd looks. If you're hurt, tell the person who has hurt you. If you're angry, ask yourself why you're angry, and refrain from saying anything you will regret. 

17. When it comes to sex, never let yourself be forced to do it. Don't allow strangers to touch your body without your consent, and don't do it just because everyone else is doing it. We'll have a wine and cheese session about this, ok?

18. Do good things to random people everyday. You don't have to do it in a big scale, and you don't even have to tell anyone about it. Do it for you. Kindness comes back in multiple ways. 

19. A car is a very useful thing. It takes you to a lot of places, but a car is just a car. It's not meant to be with you forever, so don't fret or get angry when you get into a fender bender. A car is just a car. Take some time to understand your car's parts and what makes it work, the knowledge will come handy when it breaks down.

20. Lastly, my love, one day I will leave you, too. My mom (your grandmother) passed away when I had just turned 21. I was thrown into the unknown of raising your uncle (my brother) and I had to make sure the household was intact. I had to make sure there was food on the table and bills were paid in time. I was left with so many things, and I was overwhelmed, to say the least. So, kiddo, I will teach you on how to live without me. But I hope, by then, you will have found your new teammate who will love & fight for you.

Because you are someone worth fighting for. I've fought to keep you and I don't want you to settle for someone who would not even choose you in the first place. 

A bun in the oven.

This is it. This is finally it! I thought I would be doing this AFTER I turn 30, however, life decided to throw a curve ball to me and handed me an earlier deadline. I've always thought of becoming a mom, married or not, and the thought of having my own child has always been a dream of mine. 

It all came down to this lucid dream of mine. A dream so vivid & surreal that began with a baby girl who was cooing while being cradled in my arms. The first time I dreamed of that baby girl, I only saw her face & her tiny mouth pursed into a huge smile. Since then, I was sold. I kept wishing that I wanted to see her again in my dreams. 

Then, a few months later, I dreamed of her again. This time, it was clear we were at home, and an unknown presence was next to me, whom I thought in the dream as the father of the baby. I was cradling her again, this time, I saw her entire body. All chubby & soft, like how every baby would be. Her eyes were round & big, and her tiny mouth was so pink. 

I dreamed about her for a few times throughout these years, until one night, her name was finally revealed. It was clear, I named her Charlotte. 

Charlotte. A name that is so classic & timeless. She was my Charlotte in the dreams, and I was hooked on that name ever since. 

5 months ago, when I found out I was pregnant, which happened right after I came back from Bangkok, I felt like my whole world just collapsed into the deepest abyss. I was unsure of what to do and what to feel. What came to my mind was, after 3 years with him, why this now???

I was not ready, I was not welcoming to the child that was growing in me. I felt like I had just destroyed my own life with this mistake. He was devastated, and we cried for many, many nights. Simply because he and I just couldn't be together. 3 years with him, and I'm going to end up raising a child of ours, alone. 

Where does that leave me? Is this even fair? I have travel plans to South Korea & Lombok next year!! I was prepared for more solo travels around the world, and I was planning to go for bungee jumping in New Zealand in 2 years' time! Having this baby would change everything!

Abortion came to our minds, and he was adamant about it. I didn't want to do it, I didn't want to add another mistake to my already long list of mistakes. I didn't want to punish a child who did nothing wrong to us, and I certainly did not want to live with the guilt until the day I die. 

I had fought with all the leftover strength I had from the crying to keep this baby. I love him, and I would be greatly honored to have this child as a reminder of the love I have for this man whom I can never have. Even if it means having to face hard times ahead & skewed judgments on me. Even if means having to lose a few friends. 

So, yes, I am going to be a mom in 19 weeks time! 

Kiddo at 18 weeks!

Yes, that's right! I'm 21 weeks pregnant now, and from the looks of the last few scans, this kiddo will be wearing PINK! The father & I are both excited to see this kiddo in a few months. 

I am extremely grateful for supportive friends & family who stand by me through this challenging period of my life. I admit, I fear for our future as mother & child together. What would our future be like? All I want for her is to be loved by people whom I call friends & family, and most of all, her own father. 

Who would've thought this would happen? 

Sometimes, people will drop bombs on you. 

And all you can do is let the bomb detonate right in front of you.

You just have to let it burn and destroy you.