A letter to you.

Everyone does things with reasons. People steal because they need the money. People cry because their hearts can't bear the pain. People travel because they love seeing new places and new faces that they encounter along their ways. People leave because they have no reason to stay.

That's exactly why I left; I just couldn't find any reason to stay. I used to want to stay so much, to fix whatever was broken, to be the kind of person I'd always wanted to be. But the longer I held onto it, the more I realized it was something I was fighting alone. It had been that way for a long time, it just took me awhile to admit it to myself. 

Because admitting something that could be right and wrong at the same time is very hard. 

I knew my own shortcomings. I know what I am like inside, and I'm no longer afraid to admit it. I'm flawed in so many ways, but aren't we all? If I stayed just to make everyone happy, would it be good for my own heart? If I stayed just for the sake of holding on to something that was good in the past, would it be good for any of us? 

Would you stay for something that no longer made you happy? 

It took me years to admit it to myself; that I could no longer do it. I have been walking around with a tape, trying to fix every mess, every hole, hoping that it'd account for something. Whatever it is, just as long as it's something. But who was I kidding? 

Because in the end, people only see the mess you've left. 

There isn't any other way for all these. All the things I had to let go, all the feelings I had to put aside, all the blames I was willing to take, all the nights I spent deciding, all the courage I had to gather. It wasn't easy, and it sure did hurt. 

But the road I chose did not come with all the things that happened to me. It was something I really should have done a long time ago; back when we kept sweeping our mess under the rug, hoping someday they'd never haunt us in our future. I think that was where we went wrong, because messes needed to be cleaned up, which we never did. We kept thinking, if everything was okay, nothing needed fixing. 

And so I had to decide; to stay or to walk away. And how do you tell the one you love that it's time to walk away?

I wish there was a better way to do it, but believe me, how selfish or wrongful it was, I'd be better off this way. I couldn't hold on to something that I knew I couldn't keep. 

I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused, and I'm sorry for all the broken promises. I'm sorry for those who have gotten hurt along the way. 

But, I figure that, it's finally time to let things go, and above all, to let me go. Let everything about me go along with the memories and the pain that you've felt. Let me go into this world of uncertainties and stop looking for me. I believe something else is out there for us. It's time to be free of me and trying to know every little thing about me. 

We've been through this road many times, and no, I'm not willing to go through it again. I don't want all the judging and finger pointing to start all over again. Yes, the pain will never go away, but the longer you hold on to me, the more you try to find my every mistake and start judging. 

Be happy, and most of all, please, just let me go. 

When will it ever be enough?

"What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be."

I've never really thought of those words until recently. Yes, it really does kill you when you think of all the things that could've been for you. 

It amazes me how much a person can feel at one time, and it is so terrifying that most of the times, you are completely helpless. I tell myself that 2013 is the year of possibilities, and yes, it is possible that you could love someone with all of your might and it's still never enough.

It's possible to look at someone you love and you feel so much adoration & love for him, but you have absolutely no clue on how to be with him. It's possible to fall in love with him over and over, no matter how many times you tell yourself not to. 

It's also possible for you to want to leave everything for someone, leaving the pieces of you behind because you know that this is exactly where you choose to be. It's also possible to lie awake at night and wonder if everything you were doing was worth the shot. 

It's possible to be angry at yourself for all the decisions you make, and that this anger & sadness consume you slowly. It's possible for you to ignore every signs & pursue the very things that hurt you. It's possible that people will begin to feel frustrated & stop caring about you because they think you're just being ridiculous. 

It's also possible for you to do the things you've sworn you'd never do in your life. It's possible that you know things are never right but you keep wanting them to be right, just for once. 

And then you get burned, you get hurt, and that is the kind of pain that takes the longest time to heal. Yet you still want to stand close to that fire and never leave.

And most of all, it is also possible even your closest friend can never fill in the voids that are left by someone you love. 

Because love is never enough. It never will be enough.

Serenity in my heart.

There are many things that I keep in my heart and at times I wish I could share them with others. But I often take a step back because I know what would come my way if I did. 

I love too much, and I care too much. Sometimes they can be two good things, but most of the times I always get hurt because people don't understand that kind of love. So I slowly begin to let things go, one by one, and I'm surprised to be where I am now.

When you love someone, it takes a lot of effort to keep the fire burning. But, often you'll get tired when you're the only one who constantly tries to keep it alive. You'll get tired of living your life for the other person.

You'll get tired of loving too much. 

And then, what do you do? 

It's sad when people only realize how much they've taken you for granted all these while and that they realise you can never be the same person you were before. It's sad when people start to feel the things they should've felt long time ago. 

It's even more painful when they finally understand how it feels to love too much, but you aren't there anymore. 

You aren't there anymore. You've stopped trying to protect the fire from being blown out. You already took that one step ahead. 

It hurts, but people rarely understand this. It's always easier to comprehend things that are good & morally right.

Would it suffice to turn back & start all over again? Or would it be better to take another step ahead & never look back? 

Here's to us.

So, I got a job offer from PETRONAS. So many things have happened since my last blog post. Some were good, some were bad. What's new anyway? 

I went for the interview in June and I recently got the job offer. The interview went on for almost 3 hours and we discussed our opinions and views. It was refreshing to share views with proper, educated adults because I felt that I needed to know how the adults think. 

So, YAY to the much anticipated job! 

How's everyone out there? How is everything going on for you? Did you go to RMWF that happened just last weekend?  

This year, I've done a lot of soul searching. While unemployment made me a little stagnant, I did however get around to enjoy a little more. I've also made so many new friends that I've grown to love. Wonderful how life works, isn't it? 

I've also learned that my life shouldn't revolve around just one person, and that I can be happy even when I'm alone. Being too dependent is not normal and it definitely won't help you to be yourself. 

But sometimes, I got hurt, too. It's alright, I needed this kind of pain to remind me that I will get burned at random times in my life. The thing about this pain is that it can so be significant now, but in the near future, it won't even matter. People come and go, and those who stay are the ones that I treasure most. 

There are times in your life you need to embrace changes and take chances in things you may not be ready for. If you didn't, you wouldn't know how it felt like. If you didn't, you'd be left with constant 'WHATS IFS' and "I WISH I HAD." At this age, taking chances are probably the most sensible thing to do, given the right circumstances. Sure, you'll get all torn up. 

If you only want to remain comfortable all the time, growing up could be the hardest thing to do for you. 

So, here's to my new friends who have made my life more colorful. Another toast to those who have hurt me, for without them, I wouldn't be this tough. 

Here's to us, here's to love. All the times that we messed up. Here's to you, fill the glass, coz the last few nights have kicked my ass. If they give you hell, tell them go fuck themselves.

To the girl who walked past me and had the courage to call me a bitch, GET OVER ME AND GROW UP. You're getting older, so am I. So let's forget about me, the way I've forgotten about you until that night.

To degree or not to degree?

What does it mean to be properly educated in this country? Does it mean that we have to constantly memorize and understand hundreds of theories as well as facts given in schools or universities? We leave school or university a few years later, with only mere 10 weeks of internship. 

What do we do in internships? Cutting out newspapers? Rearranging files in the storage room? Then, comes graduation. Thousands of hopeful graduates are ecstatic to earn good salaries and experience what it is like to work in the world they have read from reading the books. 


But, how many jobs are out there that graduates can apply? How many jobs out there match the degrees taken by the graduates? Many people end up doing other things than what they have studied. 


But one thing that always makes me wonder is, why do a lot of companies, even the well-known ones can only pay fresh graduates salaries below than RM1000 for starters? The salary scale in Malaysia is relatively low, especially in Borneo. Fresh graduates are often offered RM 600 - RM 900. Employers everywhere express that graduates constantly ask for ridiculously high salaries, and that is one of the reasons they refuse to hire them. 

One question, how high is the salary asked by the graduates? In my opinion, if a fresh graduate asks for RM 2000 per month, that is totally his or her mistake, because that is plain outrageous. But to ask just RM 1200 - RM 1600 is often viewed as too much? It's difficult to live with RM 900 per month, let alone RM 700. There are bills to pay, goals to achieve and family to support. Pardon me if I'm wrong, but one works to afford one's own goals to have things in life. 


So, what is considered as 'unacceptable' or 'nonsensical'? The fact that graduates lack experience or the fact that they have degrees from universities yet they're paid RM 800 per month? What is the point for students to pursue tertiary education if this is what they'll be offered once they leave university? The salary given is what school leavers get when they work in coffee shops as part time jobs. Let's not consider those who didn't excel in studies, surely they're out of the question in this scenario. 

How about those with CGPA 3.0 and above? Sometimes I think we all should've just stopped studying after SPM and start working. We get the same pay which comes with same expectations from employers. They still want people with years and years of experience. Training is hard to come by, and when it does, it is done in a manner where one senior worker is assigned to supposedly 'teach' everything to a new worker in the company. 


And then comes the argument about graduates not being able to converse and write articulately in English. Yes, there are probably thousands out there who are still struggling to speak in good English and there are also those who CAN speak and write fluently. They still don't get hired or are underpaid. That is the use of telephone interview and resume reviewing system, no? Sometimes I think it's just one weak reason made by employers not to hire the newbies, so that they can avoid spending their resources on training and development. 


I am a fresh graduate. I've started working from year 2008. My first job was a waitressing stint at Hilton Hotel. I quite liked that job, it opened my eyes to many aspects of working life. I also met a lot of people with different characters and preferences. My favorite one has got to be when I worked at Four Points Sheraton. I actually got involved in some of the training activities held by the Human Resource Department.

So, when employers offer RM 700 per month, I cringe a little, because I always ask myself, is this how much my degree's worth? Can I sell my degree for that amount? Might as well I never had to pursue my degree and saved myself from PTPTN misery?


I envy the education system in the West. They are more hands-on than theories. The students there get to do internships more than once and they get more exposure from working with various companies.


Therefore, should we all start working as clerks and expect pay as much as RM 700, and most probably do things that have nothing to do with our degrees? Will that count as experience? 


In short, how to gain experience when no one is willing to give you the opportunities? But when someones does, it is usually not what he/she has promised previously?