Baby countdown.

This little angel is about to make her debut on Earth in less than 3 weeks!

I've been feeling her wiggles, squirms, hiccups, kicks and also stretches all day which somehow intensify whenever I eat! She seems to get extremely excited during meal times and I can no longer conceal her movements. People find it rather scary and interesting at the same time when they see the little one move around. 

Before I get all occupied with Baby S, I'd like to post the answers to a lot of questions that I normally get at work or when I'm out and about.

1. Your tummy is so small! Do you even gain weight?
I think my tummy is small, too! Blame it all on genetics. My family has always have smaller frames, especially my dad's side. So far I've gained 11 kg throughout my pregnancy. I was 51-52kg before I got pregnant, which was alright for my height & body frame. But my gynae has assured me many times that small tummies are okay, as long as the baby is healthy & grows well inside! Because in many cases, people with larger tummies during pregnancy have higher body fat percentage especially around their tummy areas or they have more amniotic fluid inside. So no biggie if yours is small & your gynae gives the green light! Don't fret too much about the size, it's not important AT ALL.

2. Do you read to her?
Yes. Sometimes Reader's Digest, sometimes Enid Blyton series. Sometimes I just pinch her legs or hands whenever she stretches inside. We roll that way.

3. Do you sing & play songs to her, especially the instrumental tunes?
I sing to her all the time. I just play whatever songs that are in my Spotify, as long as they're not the PG-13 or heavy metal ones. She's listened to Spanish, K-pop, Mandopop, old Malay songs, random old English songs, Hindi and of course Adele. I'm not a fan of instrumental songs, so nope, I don't play those tunes to her.

The song that really gets her going is Adele's Hello. Definitely she's saying 'Hello from the other siiiiddeee, mommy!" 

4. How is your pregnancy? Do you feel overwhelmed by the pregnancy symptoms?
So far, I would say this has been an easy pregnancy. There was a short period of time where I felt nauseous and a little vomiting but those went away rather quickly. I overcame those pesky symptoms by drinking Ribena and a glass of Glucolin (one teaspoon ONLY per glass!). Those drinks definitely helped a lot to keep nausea at bay. Other than those symptoms, I have the usual back ache & also soreness around my pelvic area. Nothing unusual, I would say.

5. What kind of supplement do you consume?
My gynae prescribes calcium tablets, folic acid, Pramilet pills and of course the food for baby's brain, Neuro Gain PB. That's about it. I think those are sufficient.

6. People say drinking milk during pregnancy is good, but I can't even drink a tablespoon of it! So how?
YES! I fully agree that drinking milk, especially Anmum Materna during pregnancy is one hell of a good thing! I've never had leg cramps and also my skin has become noticeably fairer! If you have troubles downing a glass of Anmum Materna, try the mango flavoured one, OR, add half a teaspoon of blackcurrant Glucolin into your milk. I fully urge new moms to drink milk, don't just rely on your calcium tablets. 

7. Do you have troubles with your cravings?
Nope, none at all. I still love the same food I love before pregnancy, and I still hate the same food I hate before pregnancy. Nothing super weird like wanting to eat bars of soaps, or sniffing petrol. I have a strong affinity for sweet food though, like donuts with lots of powdered sugar. YUMMMM. 

8. Do you get leg cramps & stretch marks? How to avoid stretch marks?
So far, I don't have leg cramps but I do have nightly bouts of Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS). Uncomfortable, but bearable. As for stretch marks, zero appearance so far. Perhaps the milk helps? I don't know, but I'm thankful and glad they don't appear at all on my tummy. How to avoid stretch marks, if any? Use Bio Oil or virgin coconut oil. Apply twice a day. 

9. Is your skin constantly itchy? Mine was when I was pregnant with my baby!
So far, I don't have itchy skin. But I do feel some itchiness on my scalp sometimes. What's up with that? 

10. Any tips for new mums that are not cliches? 
Number 1, do what you think is best for your body. Listen to what other moms have to offer & advise, but at the end of the day, it's your body. If you want to continue exercising during pregnancy, go ahead! It's safe as long as you talk to your gynae about it. Weightlifting is still encouraged! But if you have a weak womb, I would suggest you stick to lighter exercises at home. So, to be safe, avoid strenuous activities during your first trimester, let your foetus grow safely first. 
Number 2, add half a teaspoon of blackcurrant Glucolin into your glass milk if you can't stand the milky taste. It really works wonders. 
Number 3, don't be a total couch potato if your pregnancy is a healthy one. Move around, walk a little & do light exercises. It helps to avoid drastic weight gain and it also exercises your legs.
Number 4, to save money on buying pregnancy-related books, download Pinterest app instead. You'll find a lot of useful posts in it, for zero cost! I totally rely on Pinterest for tips & advices. Plus, you can save a lot of cute baby and cat pics. 
Number 5, if you are worried about spending too much money for baby stuffs (especially for new parents), ask your close friends who have given birth before you. Perhaps they are more than willing to lend or even give some of the useful baby items that they may have never even used! Most new parents are so excited that they overspend on baby items that they end up never using. 

And that's it! Now, we're all anxious to wait for Baby S's arrival into this world! 

To my child, I leave you my knowledge.

Throughout your life, you will encounter countless number of people who will tell you about their life experiences, what to do and what not to be done. I will be one of them, guiding & teaching you ways of life before you are ready to step out into the outside world alone.

I cannot promise you wings to fly far away from me, but I can promise you that I will allow you to make choices, even though I may not agree with them. I cannot promise you that life with me will be all beautiful & smooth sailing, but I will be the one who will cry with you and hold you close when your heart is broken. 

My love, I will leave you these life experiences & mistakes that I've made so that you will know that your mother is a normal human being, too. 

1. Be curious of the things around you, no matter how awkward they are. Ask, and you will learn more things each day. If you are wondering where babies come from, ask me. If you are wondering why the sky is blue, you may have to wait until you are in your Chemistry class so that you can ask your teacher instead. 

2. Read books. Read books that make your mind wonder and wander. Read books that make you Google up the pictures of the places described in them. You will learn about the cultures of the people centered in the books, and you will yearn to go to those places someday. Read books that are more than just about romance & fantasy. Read Reader's Digest, too, especially the laugh-out-loud pages. 

3. Most kids will have parents, you have me. We are a team, and until I find someone who will love you and me more than we love him, we are always going to be a team. If you fall, I will fall, too. If you fail, I will fail, too. And when you succeed, that will simply mean I've succeeded in raising you. 

4. There will be times you will ask who and where your father is. Believe me, I dread that question. He is not dead, and he is near. Life is about choices & decisions, and your father has decided to choose a life that does not involve us, and that is okay. People will leave you, my love, and your father is no exception to that rule. If you think that having me alone is not enough, then that means I have failed in raising you. Your father will not change his mind about us, and that means, we have to forgive him someday for not choosing us.

5. In schools, teachers will teach you how to read, spell & calculate. They will also be harsh and demanding, depending on how you behave in class. Don't be rude to teachers, my love. They are imparting knowledge to you, and anyone who gives you food or knowledge should not be disrespected. At home, I will teach you manners, time management, chores, how to pay taxes & bills, how to drive a manual car & how to change flat tires. There are many, many things schools will not teach you, so I have to take up the challenge in ensuring you will not be crippled once you leave the system.

6. When it comes to love, no love is the same twice. You will begin to have crushes on boys and they will find you attractive, too. But, when it comes to love, please know that your heart will get broken and you will break hearts, too. When your heart is shattered into pieces, your world will come tumbling down and whatever I say to you will not even matter. You will feel immense pain & torture that will affect you physically. It's always easier to describe pain than happiness, because happiness is easily found & lost, and pain just lingers, somehow. I have felt pain that cripple me.

7. When it comes to love, loving someone who will never love you back is the worst. No, I'm not talking about celebrity crushes. You will know & come across this kind of love, once or may be more times than you should have. This is the kind of love that will set you back & change your entire perception on loving & letting go. It will change you, and it will take you to a dark place that will take forever to get out from. But my love, I am the expert in that kind of love, for that is the love I have for your father. Missing him when he is out there having fun & loving someone else, and loving him to the point of madness yet, he still doesn't choose you. Tell me, kiddo, when you've found this love. 

8. On choices, there are so many and confusing options out there. Sexuality, food preference, travel, cars, houses, clothes and even people. Nothing is right or wrong in this world, simply because all the rights and wrongs are all determined by us humans. Talk to me about your choices, and don't go through them alone. We are a team, and team mates don't leave each other in the dark. 

9. You will have many friends, or maybe only a few close ones. It DOESN'T matter if you have very little or too many friends. It's always good to have people who you can laugh and have fun with. But it's best to have friends who speak well about you behind your back & criticize your choices in front of you. This world is full of hypocrites & liars, so choose your friends wisely. They represent a fragment of you. Friends should not complicate your life, because that's what lovers are for. Friends lift you up & support you in tough times. They don't just look for you in good times, they are willing to find you when you fall into the pit of darkness. Keep friends that you can ask out for breakfast & late night supper, and leave the ones who will only talk about themselves because they will have no time to ask about you.

10. English is THE language to learn & master. The world is moving forward, and English is widely used in most countries around the world. Polish up your grammar & vocabulary by reading more books and speaking it confidently with your friends. I will give you a hard time if you don't have a good command in English.

11. I have made so many mistakes in my life. I've left people who love me, and I've hurt people who mean so much to me. I've also embarrassed myself in front of people and I've gotten into silly accidents. You will, too, so don't regret them. This is a cliche, but mistakes are some of the ways for you to discover yourself & learn. Don't be afraid to make them. Everything has its reason, though most of the times, you will wish you know what the reasons are.

12. Don't whine about finishing school. You will regret wanting to be an adult, trust me. There is nothing fun about being an adult other than earning your own money & losing that money the next day after paying all the bills. School is fun, it's your experimental playground. Eat sand, dirt, fall down, scrap your knees, play badminton, take up the cooking class, eat bad canteen food, smell those body odors from your schoolmates, study, worry about period stains on your uniform, worry about girls, worry about boys and lastly, worry about your character. Good grades are great, but good characters go a long, long way. It's all part of growing up.

13. Sing your heart out. Music is the best therapy for most uncomfortable periods in life. I will introduce you to the songs in the late 80's and the 90's. Those songs are gems, which is rare nowadays amidst all the sex & drugs related songs. 

14. One thing no one will teach you about is loneliness. Loneliness is inevitable, even when you are right next to me or a million miles away. Everyone handles loneliness differently, and I don't want you to drown in it. Talk to me, even when you hate me. 

15. There will be times I will ask you to go for dancing and music classes. I want you to love them as hobbies, as they will be your personal therapists as you grow up. Life can be so disappointing at times, with all the failed relationships & attempts to better yourself as a human, so use them as your coping methods. Also, I have no idea on how to play the guitar or piano. 

16. Don't dismiss people's feelings and don't let your feelings be dismissed. All feelings are important, and you are not wrong for feeling certain emotions. People will ask you to get over it or stop feeling that way. DON'T. Feelings are ways for you to discover yourself, because that's how you build your resistance. If you're sad, cry. If you're happy, be jolly without fearing people's odd looks. If you're hurt, tell the person who has hurt you. If you're angry, ask yourself why you're angry, and refrain from saying anything you will regret. 

17. When it comes to sex, never let yourself be forced to do it. Don't allow strangers to touch your body without your consent, and don't do it just because everyone else is doing it. We'll have a wine and cheese session about this, ok?

18. Do good things to random people everyday. You don't have to do it in a big scale, and you don't even have to tell anyone about it. Do it for you. Kindness comes back in multiple ways. 

19. A car is a very useful thing. It takes you to a lot of places, but a car is just a car. It's not meant to be with you forever, so don't fret or get angry when you get into a fender bender. A car is just a car. Take some time to understand your car's parts and what makes it work, the knowledge will come handy when it breaks down.

20. Lastly, my love, one day I will leave you, too. My mom (your grandmother) passed away when I had just turned 21. I was thrown into the unknown of raising your uncle (my brother) and I had to make sure the household was intact. I had to make sure there was food on the table and bills were paid in time. I was left with so many things, and I was overwhelmed, to say the least. So, kiddo, I will teach you on how to live without me. But I hope, by then, you will have found your new teammate who will love & fight for you.

Because you are someone worth fighting for. I've fought to keep you and I don't want you to settle for someone who would not even choose you in the first place. 

A bun in the oven.

This is it. This is finally it! I thought I would be doing this AFTER I turn 30, however, life decided to throw a curve ball to me and handed me an earlier deadline. I've always thought of becoming a mom, married or not, and the thought of having my own child has always been a dream of mine. 

It all came down to this lucid dream of mine. A dream so vivid & surreal that began with a baby girl who was cooing while being cradled in my arms. The first time I dreamed of that baby girl, I only saw her face & her tiny mouth pursed into a huge smile. Since then, I was sold. I kept wishing that I wanted to see her again in my dreams. 

Then, a few months later, I dreamed of her again. This time, it was clear we were at home, and an unknown presence was next to me, whom I thought in the dream as the father of the baby. I was cradling her again, this time, I saw her entire body. All chubby & soft, like how every baby would be. Her eyes were round & big, and her tiny mouth was so pink. 

I dreamed about her for a few times throughout these years, until one night, her name was finally revealed. It was clear, I named her Charlotte. 

Charlotte. A name that is so classic & timeless. She was my Charlotte in the dreams, and I was hooked on that name ever since. 

5 months ago, when I found out I was pregnant, which happened right after I came back from Bangkok, I felt like my whole world just collapsed into the deepest abyss. I was unsure of what to do and what to feel. What came to my mind was, after 3 years with him, why this now???

I was not ready, I was not welcoming to the child that was growing in me. I felt like I had just destroyed my own life with this mistake. He was devastated, and we cried for many, many nights. Simply because he and I just couldn't be together. 3 years with him, and I'm going to end up raising a child of ours, alone. 

Where does that leave me? Is this even fair? I have travel plans to South Korea & Lombok next year!! I was prepared for more solo travels around the world, and I was planning to go for bungee jumping in New Zealand in 2 years' time! Having this baby would change everything!

Abortion came to our minds, and he was adamant about it. I didn't want to do it, I didn't want to add another mistake to my already long list of mistakes. I didn't want to punish a child who did nothing wrong to us, and I certainly did not want to live with the guilt until the day I die. 

I had fought with all the leftover strength I had from the crying to keep this baby. I love him, and I would be greatly honored to have this child as a reminder of the love I have for this man whom I can never have. Even if it means having to face hard times ahead & skewed judgments on me. Even if means having to lose a few friends. 

So, yes, I am going to be a mom in 19 weeks time! 

Kiddo at 18 weeks!

Yes, that's right! I'm 21 weeks pregnant now, and from the looks of the last few scans, this kiddo will be wearing PINK! The father & I are both excited to see this kiddo in a few months. 

I am extremely grateful for supportive friends & family who stand by me through this challenging period of my life. I admit, I fear for our future as mother & child together. What would our future be like? All I want for her is to be loved by people whom I call friends & family, and most of all, her own father. 

Who would've thought this would happen? 

Sometimes, people will drop bombs on you. 

And all you can do is let the bomb detonate right in front of you.

You just have to let it burn and destroy you. 

My 2014.

Dear you,

I love you. I love you to the point of insanity. I love you above all uncertainties and the right things in life. 

I will never be able to tell you this, because there is no way you will understand what I feel for you. I have always wanted to tell you that you are the one I have dreamed of, and the one I have always wanted to love. But I cannot, simply because you have no room for me in your heart. 

You keep teasing me about the boy whom I have once mentioned to be The Ideal Guy for me. That was before I met you. Before I knew you existed and way before I found out how safe I felt in your strong arms. 

When he ruined me with his indecisiveness and selfish acts, you were there to watch me pick myself up and nurse myself back to sanity. I was a total wreck, and yet you stayed by my side. 

Now, I want to tell you I have finally found my destination, and my journey to you has been a thunderstorm masked in a sunny weather. But I am not your destination and your journey has a different path than mine. I cannot tell you that, and I cannot tell you that you are my home. 

What's a home when the resident and the owner are two different people? I am your resident, and you are the owner. My occupancy is only on rental basis, and someday I will have to move out and leave no trace of me behind. But I would always look back and think of the home I once knew and lived in. 

So, I will only smile whenever you say that you are not my ideal guy. God knows how false that is. I fight with you and argue even about the smallest things, not because I am bored or I have nothing to do. It's because I am afraid of losing you. Terribly and deathly afraid of losing someone like you. 

I give my all to you; my time, my attention, my affection and my love. Sometimes, I become cold and distant, not because I am egocentric, but because I cannot tell you how much I need you without sounding clingy. I don't want you, I need you. 

But you are not my home, and I am not your destination. So, we can never walk the same path and finally meet halfway. 

I love you, and I have to let you go someday. 

If these wings could fly.

When I think of love, I think of sunny days. When I think of sunny days, I think of summer, and how its presence makes those who have been waiting for it just happy. Nothing else, just pure happiness being under the sun and just another season away from falling leaves.

And when I think of falling leaves, I think of you. I think about all the highs and lows of our relationship, and how the emotions change just like the autumn leaves. I think about how sunny it was when we first started, and that the days just got brighter. Then, I think about how the cold took over the warmth in our souls, and we both started to fall apart beneath each other's wings. 

Sunny days are over, and we're both now desperately covering ourselves up with layers of reasons to keep our souls warm. Sometimes, I don't even know why I hold on to you, or why I choose to be with you. I keep building walls around me, and somehow you manage to creep through the cracks like a ray of sunshine. 

The higher my walls get, the harder it is for me to stop you from looking through my cracks. I tell myself that if my walls were high enough, no one could harm me. But no matter how high my walls are, or how well-sealed they are, I will always let you in through the front door.

You taught me a lot about patience and love, in ways I could have never learned them myself. I learn that to love means to not need to be with someone, and to be patient is to be able to withstand absence and distance. You made me realize love is not a solid block, but rather it is fluid like an essence that takes shape of any mold it is poured in to. It changes, and it can never be defined by a single person. It feels different each time, and it tastes different. 

You make me realize that I can love someone who is absent emotionally and still be sane at the end of the day. You make me realize that not all physical touch and reaffirmations mean something. You make me realize I am selfish and obstinate, and I am vulnerable, too. I used to think I was indestructible. But now I know I am just as weak as the autumn leaves. I fall, and when I do, I fall hard. 

Most of all, you make me realize, people are indeed selfish. No matter who they are, people have needs, and those needs supersede love. The need to feel wanted, to feel superior, to feel lust, and to feel alive. Anything to feel complete. 

Soon, the winter will come, and I hope we both will weather the storm just fine. 

Otherwise, come spring, one of us will be drowning in the pool of melted ice.

Why I'm being so selfish.

I admit, I am a selfish brat whose life goals are to travel and just be happy wherever I am and whoever I am with. I work for travel, and that's my sole intention, well at least until I hit the big 3-0. 

I have hurt a lot of people on my way here and I have left people for selfish reasons. It's only fitting that my reasons are best kept to myself, for people could never understand your true intentions. At this rate I'm going, marriage is utterly irrelevant and settling down is some fantasy island I have yet to discover. 

Why? I see the bad sides of marriage, and I've seen enough to know that it is not the road I want to walk through just yet. To every sheltered minds out there, this is a disgrace to the humankind. Where is the old kind of love where vows at the altars are sacred and not to be taken lightly? I just recently read this article in Elite Daily, where intelligent women tend to be single. I cannot help but smile and high five the author mentally. Thank you, Lauren. You certainly speak for the women out there who are struggling to find themselves men who have more balls than they do. 

Often I encounter men who tell me women belong in the kitchen and women should be weak as well as to dial down on their fierceness. First of all, do you mean that only weak women deserve to be loved and appreciated? Secondly, since when being smart is socially & culturally wrong?

It scares those men so much when women challenge their views and show their abilities to take good care of themselves. What are we, women, supposed to do and be like? Be submissive to you even though it's clear you're being an ass? Ask you to open a jar of Nutella so that we won't chip our carefully manicured nails? Wait for you at your hands and feet like a dog asking for treats? 

There's something about intelligent women and their widely misunderstood facade. People forget that they, too, want to be loved. They have seen and done a lot of things that make them as impenetrable as their exterior. They are smart enough to know the world is no longer black and wide. They are not oblivious to the fact that their lives are no longer governed by the stereotypes and typical paths trodden by their society. They want different things than what they initially wanted in high schools.

What did we know in high schools anyway? Besides marriage and kids? That was how we were supposed to end our lives, wasn't it? Finish school, get a degree, get married and have kids. Did we think of the life after that? I certainly did not. Do you know how difficult it is to stay married and to love that same person you're married to 30-50 years down the road? To touch no other women or men except your spouses? To not want personal space or say no to friends' invitations to have a good night out? To find only your spouses attractive & feel that intense lust & sexual desire only for them? To love them when they're at their absolute worst and have betrayed you in every possible way you could think of? 

So, women nowadays have seen better and want to do better. Why blame them for wanting better? If they wanted to leave their jobs to travel and move to another country, could you blame them for being selfish and impulsive? If they had trust issues & gave you a hard time, could you blame them for being hard to get? It's no longer about blaming who or what is wrong. People evolve, either physically, spiritually or emotionally. If you find yourself wanting so many things or people at this point of life, ask yourself, are you not selfish or greedy? Or would you play the moral police and say, "No, that is YOU. I'm not like that"? 

I am selfish, for there are still so many things I have not done and for all the people I have yet to meet. I am selfish, for all the love I keep to myself just because I do not want my heart to be broken into pieces again. I am selfish, for all the time I want to spend with my friends and loved ones because they are the only ones that matter to me now. I am selfish with my decisions, right or wrong, because I have given a large portion of my life away and those years I cannot get back. I am selfish with every calculated moves I make because between those moves, I find happiness and comfort. 

Is it wrong to want different things? You tell me.

Yes, I'm waiting for that man.

To end my long post (TL:DR), here's a picture of round eyed and absolutely adorable Nala. 

Dear Someone.

If I could sum it all up, I would tell you that you were a surprise. A surprise that truly caught me off guard and one that derailed me off every track I'd built inside of me. 

I have always dreamed of meeting someone like you. I have always thought of wanting to be close to someone who just effortlessly walks into my life and checks every bullet in my 'Man of My Dreams' list. I have always wanted to say, I found him. 

And you are him. The 'him' that a 20 year old me would approve. You were always there for me when I was feeling low. You kept coming back to me although I never really wanted to know you. Your presence meant nothing to me, and I didn't even know your name. But, you were there. And then, your presence started to mean everything to me. 

I love talking to you and telling you about my day. Not because I want to, because you ask, and you always want to know. I love our long talks about our pasts and future; some pasts were too dark and yet you still wanted me to know. I love how you make me forget about my heartbreaks and keep telling me that you are always there for me. I love that you include me in your big life decisions such as getting the house you've always wanted, and asking my opinions on how to decorate your future home. I love that you care for my friends and even want to meet them so that you could befriend people who mean so much to me. 

And most of all, I love the way you make me all giddy inside and you make me happy, real happy. You are like the teddy bear I never had, one that makes me all warm and fuzzy. I love how smart you are with your ideas and views on life, and that attracts me. I love how gentle you love the people around you, especially your parents. You're strong, optimistic, realistic, determined, stable, funny, collected and very dedicated to your work. You take good care of yourself and that inspires me to take good care of myself, too.

Every time you are away from me, I find myself waiting for you to come back so that we could tease each other with silly jokes and then cuddle til we both fall asleep. I don't know if I love you, maybe I do, but maybe I don't. I stop thinking about it, because all I can do now is to enjoy every waking moment with you. You give me a sense of serenity and security. I am everything I am when I'm with you, because you've seen and known my flaws. I can say anything crazy, and you laugh, because you understand what I mean and what I really don't.

I could imagine spending the rest of my life with you, and to see your face every morning when I wake up. I could imagine holding your hands as we watch movies together in the cinema. I could imagine being down with fever and you would be there with cold towel and panadols to ease my fever. I could imagine traveling around the world with you and take silly pictures together. I could imagine having petty arguments with you and we both would not go to bed angry, because you hate that. I could imagine you asking me how to fold bedsheets and shirts, because you don't have the slightest clue.

But you're not real. I want you to be real, to have and to hold, but you're not real. I know you're going to leave effortlessly, just as how you walked into my life. It's going to burn me, and I'm going to miss you badly. I'm going to dream of you and all that we could ever be, but you're not real. 

At times, I prayed that I was the one who came to your life earlier, and we both had done everything on earth together. I wish I had met you sooner, and not in this way. I wish I could fight for you. I wish I could wait for you, but that would be foolish of me. 

I hope someday you'll look back on your life, and you think of me. I hope you'll remember me and what I mean to you. And when you see something or someone that reminds you of me, you'll smile because you know you've had me. I'm going to reminisce and think of you as the one I could never have. It will hurt, but I know over time, I'll be okay. 

Maybe you'll read this someday, and smile because you know it's about you. Maybe you won't, but, that's alright, too. I just want to write and express what you mean to me. 

Maybe I'll see you in the future, somewhere nice perhaps, and we'll be smiling at each other from afar. Maybe in another life, we could be together and I unquestionably would not let you get away.
 

What being single means to me.

Many years back, I thought I would be happily married to the man I loved by now. I had a pretty solid plan; get engaged in 2011, and then get hitched a year later. I seemed to have it all cut out for me, except that never happened. 

It seems that every girl has their own timeline to almost everything; when to get married, when to have kids, when to go on vacations. I was a sucker for timeline back then, I really thought it would work for me. Since then, I stop it altogether. Since I chose to be a single woman. 

I had a good relationship, and I had good people who truly cared for me, but I kind of screwed it all up when I decided to end my 7 year relationship with my ex. Nobody saw that coming, and nobody believed it came from me. But I digress. I like my life now. Screw that, I FREAKING LOVE it. I am going to turn 26 this year, and I have a slightest clue on boyfriends. So, these are the reasons I love being single, and probably a couple of reasons I sort of hate it.

WHY I LOVE MY SINGLE LIFE:

1. Absolute, unperturbed freedom.

I am free to make my own decisions and to act out on those decisions without any compromise or judgments. Sure, I make mistakes along the way but I learn a lot from the failed attempts and misguided days. I don't have to ask for second opinions when I want to buy lots of Charles & Keith bags. I don't have to explain to anyone why I am out chilling with friends at 2am.

2. I can like and admire whoever I want, anytime I want.

I like to think that I have a rather wild soul in me that thirsts for adventure and a whole lot of nonsense. I like admiring good looking people and sometimes I tell them, when I have the courage. Sometimes, they reciprocate and we hang out. I allow myself to be out there and talk to complete strangers because I simply like being around people. Sometimes, I have crushes on guys, but I now know well enough that they won't end up being my boyfriend.  

3. Total selfishness.

No, I don't mean it in I-matter-the-most or everything-in-this-world-should-be-mine kind of selfishness. It's the kind where you FINALLY can do things for yourself that you have not been able to do when you're in a relationship. I'm talking about being friends with guys & not being constantly pestered to end your friendships with them, going to places you've always to go to, being friends with anyone that you have connection with, buying whatever your heart fancies, dressing up anyhow you want and meeting anybody you like. 

You finally get to go to concerts that you've been wanting to attend & you finally get to know who you truly are, without restrictions.

Because everything you do, is all for you. 

4. Independence.

You know, the kind of relationships that make you co-dependent on each other? That everything you do or say must please your other half, and every decision you make must benefit each other. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but it's a relief to NOT be in that. I remember how dependent I was, that everything I did needed his approval and I couldn't go out shopping without him. I felt awkward & horribly terrified whenever I thought of sitting alone in cafes without him. 

I even felt so guilty whenever I went out with my girlfriends, because I feared he might think that I was cheating on him. Right now, I eat alone in cafes and it doesn't bother me a bit. I spend more time reading books and do some people watching, and whenever I'm lucky, I get to strike conversations with nice people there. I am free to go out at 12am whenever friends call me up for some good time or just some beer time at some cafe with a good live band. 

And the one I love the most? I am free to make my own choices & live with the consequences without a boyfriend who will say "I told you so!"

5. No constant judgments & criticisms.

If there was one thing I couldn't stand, it would be someone who kept criticizing every choice that you made. You make the smallest mistake, and your significant other starts to make the grandest speech on why you shouldn't have done it. You both get into a fight, and the next day, one of you pretends like the fight never took place. So, you start having grudges on each other, and some days you just feel like walking out on him/her. 

Now, I know eventually I'll fall again & stumble my way through this life with a lot of mistakes & hiccups, but I'll survive. This time, without so much slings and arrows coming my way.

 

6. You can go anywhere you want, and nobody's going to stop you.

When I started working, I told myself I would go out to the world and be all there. So, I'm always on the lookout for cheap tickets to any destination in the world. I want to go to Krabi & frolic in the sun on a pristine beach with crystal clear ocean in front of me. I want to go to New Zealand to experience the nature and bungee jump. I want to go to Bali & go to the Bali Spirit festival and meet some cool people. 

I want to go everywhere & anywhere, as long as my bank account permits me to, and no one to explain my intentions to travel to. 

 

And like everything in this world, all good things have to come to an end.

WHY I KIND OF HATE MY SINGLE LIFE:

1. It gets lonely.

I won't kid myself, it truly gets lonely at times when you're single. You miss having someone who is always there for you and someone to hold you whenever you are not feeling yourself that day. At times, I do long for someone permanent in my life, someone who will be my husband one day. Someone who will kiss my forehead & remind me how much he loves me, everyday. Someone who will wash my dirty car & take me out on dates. Someone who loves me more than I love him. Someone who appreciates all the little things I do for him.

2. It makes you vulnerable.

Having a man by your side means you are protected from all assholes out there. Being single doesn't. Some men pounce on you the moment they hear you are single. Some men test you by thinking they can win you. This is the time you'll meet all sorts of men and your self worth. This is the time you'll realize your strong persona scares weak men. This is the time you'll understand the true meanings of lust, infatuation and love. This is the time you'll have feelings you'll never fully comprehend. This is the time you'll have to constantly tell yourself to make better decisions.

This is the time you'll feel the pain that there isn't anyone there to care for you & to hold you at night. When the show ends and the curtains are drawn, you only have yourself & that has to hurt somehow. 

All these years, I thought I would never change. I lied. I have changed over the years & I have a different outlook on life now. I am more open to possibilities & I am learning to judge less. I have been single for a while now, and I keep telling myself, Hey it's okay, you chose this life. Yes, I definitely did choose this life. I choose to be alone. 

I have yet to meet the one I want to be with for the rest of my life. I have yet to meet anyone remotely close to that. I've definitely met a few jerks and a few nice ones, but that's all they ever are; just people I've gotten to know & have left. 

Someday, when I do meet Mr Right, he's going to be the one who's going to allow me to make mistakes & yet to know better than to judge me for them. He's going to be the one who is a stronger person than I am. 

Because being single has taught me the most profound thing; Always, always be strong for yourself, because you're all that you have now.

Losing.

It's never easy losing someone. It has always been a very hard and painful phase of life. When I think about losing, I think about missing pieces in my life. When I think about losing, I feel that my heart is slowly losing its ability to do what it does best: to pump blood. 

Those who have lost someone will say one same thing; it hurts like hellbent on Earth. Nothing feels right until you've found some sort of remedy or distraction that enables you  to forget momentarily. Because that's what humans do best: distracting themselves from the inevitable pain. No one wants to be headfirst with that kind of pain; it's overwhelming and harrowing. 

And losing something or someone you love is not just the physical absence, it's what that comes to your mind  every single second you think of them. The physical absence reminds you of things never last, and the one that causes all of the afflictions is the emotional absence. 

You lose them whenever you sit alone in a cafe and seeing couples in front of you. You lose them whenever you hear their favorite songs on the radio. You lose them in the coldness of the night and they are not there to kiss you goodnight. You lose them when you think about hugging them and feeling the warmth of their body. You lose them when you wake up on Monday mornings and knowing Mondays will suck. You lose them when you remember their laughter. You lose them when you come to realize how badly you need them in your life at this very moment but they are not there. 

Worst of all, you lose them over and over again, and that it's an everyday thing. Losing someone could only end with two things: you move on & fix every broken pieces in you with whatever strength you have left, OR you soak every single atom of you in melancholy & analyzing every single components of your life on where you have done wrong.

You feel happiest whenever you are with them, and you like holding on to that feeling. It gives you comfort knowing that you are capable of feeling happy with someone you care about. But what happens once they are gone? 

Then you lose them all over again. But this time, it's different. Because you know you can never have them the way you want them to. 

Because having met the right person is utterly intoxicating and stupendous. 

But having met the right person at the wrong time is utterly devastating.