Wednesday, November 04, 2015

A bun in the oven.

This is it. This is finally it! I thought I would be doing this AFTER I turn 30, however, life decided to throw a curve ball to me and handed me an earlier deadline. I've always thought of becoming a mom, married or not, and the thought of having my own child has always been a dream of mine. 

It all came down to this lucid dream of mine. A dream so vivid & surreal that began with a baby girl who was cooing while being cradled in my arms. The first time I dreamed of that baby girl, I only saw her face & her tiny mouth pursed into a huge smile. Since then, I was sold. I kept wishing that I wanted to see her again in my dreams. 

Then, a few months later, I dreamed of her again. This time, it was clear we were at home, and an unknown presence was next to me, whom I thought in the dream as the father of the baby. I was cradling her again, this time, I saw her entire body. All chubby & soft, like how every baby would be. Her eyes were round & big, and her tiny mouth was so pink. 

I dreamed about her for a few times throughout these years, until one night, her name was finally revealed. It was clear, I named her Charlotte. 

Charlotte. A name that is so classic & timeless. She was my Charlotte in the dreams, and I was hooked on that name ever since. 

5 months ago, when I found out I was pregnant, which happened right after I came back from Bangkok, I felt like my whole world just collapsed into the deepest abyss. I was unsure of what to do and what to feel. What came to my mind was, after 3 years with him, why this now???

I was not ready, I was not welcoming to the child that was growing in me. I felt like I had just destroyed my own life with this mistake. He was devastated, and we cried for many, many nights. Simply because he and I just couldn't be together. 3 years with him, and I'm going to end up raising a child of ours, alone. 

Where does that leave me? Is this even fair? I have travel plans to South Korea & Lombok next year!! I was prepared for more solo travels around the world, and I was planning to go for bungee jumping in New Zealand in 2 years' time! Having this baby would change everything!

Abortion came to our minds, and he was adamant about it. I didn't want to do it, I didn't want to add another mistake to my already long list of mistakes. I didn't want to punish a child who did nothing wrong to us, and I certainly did not want to live with the guilt until the day I die. 

I had fought with all the leftover strength I had from the crying to keep this baby. I love him, and I would be greatly honored to have this child as a reminder of the love I have for this man whom I can never have. Even if it means having to face hard times ahead & skewed judgments on me. Even if means having to lose a few friends. 

So, yes, I am going to be a mom in 19 weeks time! 

Kiddo at 18 weeks!
Yes, that's right! I'm 21 weeks pregnant now, and from the looks of the last few scans, this kiddo will be wearing PINK! The father & I are both excited to see this kiddo in a few months. 

I am extremely grateful for supportive friends & family who stand by me through this challenging period of my life. I admit, I fear for our future as mother & child together. What would our future be like? All I want for her is to be loved by people whom I call friends & family, and most of all, her own father. 

Who would've thought this would happen? 


Anonymous said...

Be strong pris. Take a good care of yourself and your baby.

Anonymous said...

Be strong pris! Take a good care of yourself


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