This is it. This is finally it! I thought I would be doing this AFTER I turn 30, however, life decided to throw a curve ball to me and handed me an earlier deadline. I've always thought of becoming a mom, married or not, and the thought of having my own child has always been a dream of mine.
It all came down to this lucid dream of mine. A dream so vivid & surreal that began with a baby girl who was cooing while being cradled in my arms. The first time I dreamed of that baby girl, I only saw her face & her tiny mouth pursed into a huge smile. Since then, I was sold. I kept wishing that I wanted to see her again in my dreams.
Then, a few months later, I dreamed of her again. This time, it was clear we were at home, and an unknown presence was next to me, whom I thought in the dream as the father of the baby. I was cradling her again, this time, I saw her entire body. All chubby & soft, like how every baby would be. Her eyes were round & big, and her tiny mouth was so pink.
I dreamed about her for a few times throughout these years, until one night, her name was finally revealed. It was clear, I named her Charlotte.
Charlotte. A name that is so classic & timeless. She was my Charlotte in the dreams, and I was hooked on that name ever since.
5 months ago, when I found out I was pregnant, which happened right after I came back from Bangkok, I felt like my whole world just collapsed into the deepest abyss. I was unsure of what to do and what to feel. What came to my mind was, after 3 years with him, why this now???
I was not ready, I was not welcoming to the child that was growing in me. I felt like I had just destroyed my own life with this mistake. He was devastated, and we cried for many, many nights. Simply because he and I just couldn't be together. 3 years with him, and I'm going to end up raising a child of ours, alone.
Where does that leave me? Is this even fair? I have travel plans to South Korea & Lombok next year!! I was prepared for more solo travels around the world, and I was planning to go for bungee jumping in New Zealand in 2 years' time! Having this baby would change everything!
Abortion came to our minds, and he was adamant about it. I didn't want to do it, I didn't want to add another mistake to my already long list of mistakes. I didn't want to punish a child who did nothing wrong to us, and I certainly did not want to live with the guilt until the day I die.
I had fought with all the leftover strength I had from the crying to keep this baby. I love him, and I would be greatly honored to have this child as a reminder of the love I have for this man whom I can never have. Even if it means having to face hard times ahead & skewed judgments on me. Even if means having to lose a few friends.
So, yes, I am going to be a mom in 19 weeks time!
Yes, that's right! I'm 21 weeks pregnant now, and from the looks of the last few scans, this kiddo will be wearing PINK! The father & I are both excited to see this kiddo in a few months.
I am extremely grateful for supportive friends & family who stand by me through this challenging period of my life. I admit, I fear for our future as mother & child together. What would our future be like? All I want for her is to be loved by people whom I call friends & family, and most of all, her own father.
Who would've thought this would happen?