Friday, December 13, 2013


It's never easy losing someone. It has always been a very hard and painful phase of life. When I think about losing, I think about missing pieces in my life. When I think about losing, I feel that my heart is slowly losing its ability to do what it does best: to pump blood. 

Those who have lost someone will say one same thing; it hurts like hellbent on Earth. Nothing feels right until you've found some sort of remedy or distraction that enables you  to forget momentarily. Because that's what humans do best: distracting themselves from the inevitable pain. No one wants to be headfirst with that kind of pain; it's overwhelming and harrowing. 

And losing something or someone you love is not just the physical absence, it's what that comes to your mind  every single second you think of them. The physical absence reminds you of things never last, and the one that causes all of the afflictions is the emotional absence. 

You lose them whenever you sit alone in a cafe and seeing couples in front of you. You lose them whenever you hear their favorite songs on the radio. You lose them in the coldness of the night and they are not there to kiss you goodnight. You lose them when you think about hugging them and feeling the warmth of their body. You lose them when you wake up on Monday mornings and knowing Mondays will suck. You lose them when you remember their laughter. You lose them when you come to realize how badly you need them in your life at this very moment but they are not there. 

Worst of all, you lose them over and over again, and that it's an everyday thing. Losing someone could only end with two things: you move on & fix every broken pieces in you with whatever strength you have left, OR you soak every single atom of you in melancholy & analyzing every single components of your life on where you have done wrong.

You feel happiest whenever you are with them, and you like holding on to that feeling. It gives you comfort knowing that you are capable of feeling happy with someone you care about. But what happens once they are gone? 

Then you lose them all over again. But this time, it's different. Because you know you can never have them the way you want them to. 

Because having met the right person is utterly intoxicating and stupendous. 
But having met the right person at the wrong time is utterly devastating.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

The five things.

A few weeks back, I came across a list of things that I could write here. It's a really interesting list, and we shall see how it'll pan out. 

So here is the first one on the list : Five ways to win my heart.

1. Just be clean, and healthy.
I will not lie and say otherwise. I absolutely love men who smell good and most of all, look well-groomed. He doesn't have to be the best looking one among the crowd, but it's true what people always say, people who smell good are instantly attractive. I concur. 

If there was one thing I could point out to all men, it'd be, just lose the facial hair and long armpit hairs. It's not I want smooth and hairless armpits from men, it's just that, perhaps a little trim would do. 

And how awesome it is to hug a man who smells so damn good? The hug could just go on forever! 

2. Be a true gentleman. 
But, sometimes jerks win hearts, too. And that's a real shame for the entire mankind. I don't know how they get away with it and still be wanted by many. Perhaps they smell TOO good. 

I'm not talking about the ones who'd carry a boombox over to your house and play a nice song or the one who would jump over a rotating ferris wheel just to ask you out on a date. Just men who pay for your meals even though you insist on paying your portion, men who hold the door open for you, men who buy you cakes/ice creams whenever they know you're in need of some pick-me-ups, men who genuinely care about you, men who shy away from idle gossips, men whose manners are close to impeccable and men who are punctual.

I can't say if being a gentleman is a trait men are born with or if it's a skill that men pick up over the time. But what I do know is that being a gentleman is a matter of choice. It brings such happiness when men are genuinely interested in you and care about you. 

3. Have a good sense of humor, but generally keeps himself cool. 
I'm easily amused, and I laugh at even the silliest things. But I have a soft spot for men who are easily amused, too. Probably because I tend to act and say stupid things at the most random times, so I wouldn't want to get the stink eye from men. 

Girls are more at ease with men who are able to crack jokes, because let's face it, laughter is the best medicine, and also the best ice breaker. 

I have a knack for guys who appear cool and collected. There's something so charming about guys that are either sitting or standing calmly in their own personal space rather than constantly be out there, acting like total buffoons. 

If I wanted someone, I'd want someone who would balance my quirks and outgoing attitude.  

4. The one who thinks surprises are the sweetest things he could do for a woman.
I love surprises, good, well-meaning ones of course. I like the extreme gush of happiness whenever someone surprises me with something. I like knowing that he has the effort to show that I mean a lot to him. 

I like knowing that I'm constantly on his mind and that he appreciates both my presence as well as absence. Because a real guy wouldn't stop showing his affection and love for you even after he has gotten you. 

Just imagine coming to work and finding a box of chocolates on your table. That would surely take my breath away. 

5. Encourages me to be a better person. 
But not in a overwhelming way, and definitely not the one who pushes his beliefs down my throat. I come with a lot of baggages, and I definitely cannot stay around someone who thinks my baggages are his troubles. 

I like this quote that says, "When it's right, you'll not feel lost and confused." That's how every relationship should start with, in my opinion. I think I've been so discombobulated for so long, and I need a fresh start. 

It's not that I couldn't make myself better. But I think, when you've been on your own for too long and when someone new comes into the picture, feeling right is one of the greatest feelings on earth. And when you start doing better things, I don't think you would stop, now do you? 

So, that concludes the first item on the list. Perhaps you have your own 5 things, too? :) 

Saturday, July 06, 2013

A letter to you.

Everyone does things with reasons. People steal because they need the money. People cry because their hearts can't bear the pain. People travel because they love seeing new places and new faces that they encounter along their ways. People leave because they have no reason to stay.

That's exactly why I left; I just couldn't find any reason to stay. I used to want to stay so much, to fix whatever was broken, to be the kind of person I'd always wanted to be. But the longer I held onto it, the more I realized it was something I was fighting alone. It had been that way for a long time, it just took me awhile to admit it to myself. 

Because admitting something that could be right and wrong at the same time is very hard. 

I knew my own shortcomings. I know what I am like inside, and I'm no longer afraid to admit it. I'm flawed in so many ways, but aren't we all? If I stayed just to make everyone happy, would it be good for my own heart? If I stayed just for the sake of holding on to something that was good in the past, would it be good for any of us? 

Would you stay for something that no longer made you happy? 

It took me years to admit it to myself; that I could no longer do it. I have been walking around with a tape, trying to fix every mess, every hole, hoping that it'd account for something. Whatever it is, just as long as it's something. But who was I kidding? 

Because in the end, people only see the mess you've left. 

There isn't any other way for all these. All the things I had to let go, all the feelings I had to put aside, all the blames I was willing to take, all the nights I spent deciding, all the courage I had to gather. It wasn't easy, and it sure did hurt. 

But the road I chose did not come with all the things that happened to me. It was something I really should have done a long time ago; back when we kept sweeping our mess under the rug, hoping someday they'd never haunt us in our future. I think that was where we went wrong, because messes needed to be cleaned up, which we never did. We kept thinking, if everything was okay, nothing needed fixing. 

And so I had to decide; to stay or to walk away. And how do you tell the one you love that it's time to walk away?

I wish there was a better way to do it, but believe me, how selfish or wrongful it was, I'd be better off this way. I couldn't hold on to something that I knew I couldn't keep. 

I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused, and I'm sorry for all the broken promises. I'm sorry for those who have gotten hurt along the way. 

But, I figure that, it's finally time to let things go, and above all, to let me go. Let everything about me go along with the memories and the pain that you've felt. Let me go into this world of uncertainties and stop looking for me. I believe something else is out there for us. It's time to be free of me and trying to know every little thing about me. 

We've been through this road many times, and no, I'm not willing to go through it again. I don't want all the judging and finger pointing to start all over again. Yes, the pain will never go away, but the longer you hold on to me, the more you try to find my every mistake and start judging. 

Be happy, and most of all, please, just let me go. 

Tuesday, June 04, 2013

When will it ever be enough?

"What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be."

I've never really thought of those words until recently. Yes, it really does kill you when you think of all the things that could've been for you. 

It amazes me how much a person can feel at one time, and it is so terrifying that most of the times, you are completely helpless. I tell myself that 2013 is the year of possibilities, and yes, it is possible that you could love someone with all of your might and it's still never enough.

It's possible to look at someone you love and you feel so much adoration & love for him, but you have absolutely no clue on how to be with him. It's possible to fall in love with him over and over, no matter how many times you tell yourself not to. 

It's also possible for you to want to leave everything for someone, leaving the pieces of you behind because you know that this is exactly where you choose to be. It's also possible to lie awake at night and wonder if everything you were doing was worth the shot. 

It's possible to be angry at yourself for all the decisions you make, and that this anger & sadness consume you slowly. It's possible for you to ignore every signs & pursue the very things that hurt you. It's possible that people will begin to feel frustrated & stop caring about you because they think you're just being ridiculous. 

It's also possible for you to do the things you've sworn you'd never do in your life. It's possible that you know things are never right but you keep wanting them to be right, just for once. 

And then you get burned, you get hurt, and that is the kind of pain that takes the longest time to heal. Yet you still want to stand close to that fire and never leave.

And most of all, it is also possible even your closest friend can never fill in the voids that are left by someone you love. 

Because love is never enough. It never will be enough.


“Apa-apa komen, permintaan, cadangan atau komunikasi lain yang lucah, sumbang, palsu, mengancam atau jelik sifatnya dengan niat untuk menyakitkan hati,menganiayai, mengugut atau mengganggu orang lain; atau memulakan suatu komunikasi dengan menggunakan mana-mana perkhidmatan aplikasi, sama ada secara berterusan, berulang kali atau selainnya, dan dalam masa itu komunikasi mungkin atau tidak mungkin berlaku, dengan atau tanpa mendedahkan identitinya dan dengan niat untuk menyakitkan hati, menganiayai, mengugut atau mengganggu mana-mana orang di mana-mana nombor atau alamat elektronik, adalah melakukan suatu kesalahan, tindakan boleh diambil”.


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