Everyone does things with reasons. People steal because they need the money. People cry because their hearts can't bear the pain. People travel because they love seeing new places and new faces that they encounter along their ways. People leave because they have no reason to stay.
That's exactly why I left; I just couldn't find any reason to stay. I used to want to stay so much, to fix whatever was broken, to be the kind of person I'd always wanted to be. But the longer I held onto it, the more I realized it was something I was fighting alone. It had been that way for a long time, it just took me awhile to admit it to myself.
Because admitting something that could be right and wrong at the same time is very hard.
I knew my own shortcomings. I know what I am like inside, and I'm no longer afraid to admit it. I'm flawed in so many ways, but aren't we all? If I stayed just to make everyone happy, would it be good for my own heart? If I stayed just for the sake of holding on to something that was good in the past, would it be good for any of us?
Would you stay for something that no longer made you happy?
It took me years to admit it to myself; that I could no longer do it. I have been walking around with a tape, trying to fix every mess, every hole, hoping that it'd account for something. Whatever it is, just as long as it's something. But who was I kidding?
Because in the end, people only see the mess you've left.
There isn't any other way for all these. All the things I had to let go, all the feelings I had to put aside, all the blames I was willing to take, all the nights I spent deciding, all the courage I had to gather. It wasn't easy, and it sure did hurt.
But the road I chose did not come with all the things that happened to me. It was something I really should have done a long time ago; back when we kept sweeping our mess under the rug, hoping someday they'd never haunt us in our future. I think that was where we went wrong, because messes needed to be cleaned up, which we never did. We kept thinking, if everything was okay, nothing needed fixing.
And so I had to decide; to stay or to walk away. And how do you tell the one you love that it's time to walk away?
I wish there was a better way to do it, but believe me, how selfish or wrongful it was, I'd be better off this way. I couldn't hold on to something that I knew I couldn't keep.
I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused, and I'm sorry for all the broken promises. I'm sorry for those who have gotten hurt along the way.
But, I figure that, it's finally time to let things go, and above all, to let me go. Let everything about me go along with the memories and the pain that you've felt. Let me go into this world of uncertainties and stop looking for me. I believe something else is out there for us. It's time to be free of me and trying to know every little thing about me.
We've been through this road many times, and no, I'm not willing to go through it again. I don't want all the judging and finger pointing to start all over again. Yes, the pain will never go away, but the longer you hold on to me, the more you try to find my every mistake and start judging.
Be happy, and most of all, please, just let me go.