Monday, December 29, 2014

My 2014.

Dear you,

I love you. I love you to the point of insanity. I love you above all uncertainties and the right things in life. 

I will never be able to tell you this, because there is no way you will understand what I feel for you. I have always wanted to tell you that you are the one I have dreamed of, and the one I have always wanted to love. But I cannot, simply because you have no room for me in your heart. 

You keep teasing me about the boy whom I have once mentioned to be The Ideal Guy for me. That was before I met you. Before I knew you existed and way before I found out how safe I felt in your strong arms. 

When he ruined me with his indecisiveness and selfish acts, you were there to watch me pick myself up and nurse myself back to sanity. I was a total wreck, and yet you stayed by my side. 

Now, I want to tell you I have finally found my destination, and my journey to you has been a thunderstorm masked in a sunny weather. But I am not your destination and your journey has a different path than mine. I cannot tell you that, and I cannot tell you that you are my home. 

What's a home when the resident and the owner are two different people? I am your resident, and you are the owner. My occupancy is only on rental basis, and someday I will have to move out and leave no trace of me behind. But I would always look back and think of the home I once knew and lived in. 

So, I will only smile whenever you say that you are not my ideal guy. God knows how false that is. I fight with you and argue even about the smallest things, not because I am bored or I have nothing to do. It's because I am afraid of losing you. Terribly and deathly afraid of losing someone like you. 

I give my all to you; my time, my attention, my affection and my love. Sometimes, I become cold and distant, not because I am egocentric, but because I cannot tell you how much I need you without sounding clingy. I don't want you, I need you. 

But you are not my home, and I am not your destination. So, we can never walk the same path and finally meet halfway. 

I love you, and I have to let you go someday. 

Sunday, December 07, 2014

If these wings could fly.

When I think of love, I think of sunny days. When I think of sunny days, I think of summer, and how its presence makes those who have been waiting for it just happy. Nothing else, just pure happiness being under the sun and just another season away from falling leaves.

And when I think of falling leaves, I think of you. I think about all the highs and lows of our relationship, and how the emotions change just like the autumn leaves. I think about how sunny it was when we first started, and that the days just got brighter. Then, I think about how the cold took over the warmth in our souls, and we both started to fall apart beneath each other's wings. 

Sunny days are over, and we're both now desperately covering ourselves up with layers of reasons to keep our souls warm. Sometimes, I don't even know why I hold on to you, or why I choose to be with you. I keep building walls around me, and somehow you manage to creep through the cracks like a ray of sunshine. 

The higher my walls get, the harder it is for me to stop you from looking through my cracks. I tell myself that if my walls were high enough, no one could harm me. But no matter how high my walls are, or how well-sealed they are, I will always let you in through the front door.

You taught me a lot about patience and love, in ways I could have never learned them myself. I learn that to love means to not need to be with someone, and to be patient is to be able to withstand absence and distance. You made me realize love is not a solid block, but rather it is fluid like an essence that takes shape of any mold it is poured in to. It changes, and it can never be defined by a single person. It feels different each time, and it tastes different. 

You make me realize that I can love someone who is absent emotionally and still be sane at the end of the day. You make me realize that not all physical touch and reaffirmations mean something. You make me realize I am selfish and obstinate, and I am vulnerable, too. I used to think I was indestructible. But now I know I am just as weak as the autumn leaves. I fall, and when I do, I fall hard. 

Most of all, you make me realize, people are indeed selfish. No matter who they are, people have needs, and those needs supersede love. The need to feel wanted, to feel superior, to feel lust, and to feel alive. Anything to feel complete. 

Soon, the winter will come, and I hope we both will weather the storm just fine. 

Otherwise, come spring, one of us will be drowning in the pool of melted ice.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Why I'm being so selfish.

I admit, I am a selfish brat whose life goals are to travel and just be happy wherever I am and whoever I am with. I work for travel, and that's my sole intention, well at least until I hit the big 3-0. 

I have hurt a lot of people on my way here and I have left people for selfish reasons. It's only fitting that my reasons are best kept to myself, for people could never understand your true intentions. At this rate I'm going, marriage is utterly irrelevant and settling down is some fantasy island I have yet to discover. 

Why? I see the bad sides of marriage, and I've seen enough to know that it is not the road I want to walk through just yet. To every sheltered minds out there, this is a disgrace to the humankind. Where is the old kind of love where vows at the altars are sacred and not to be taken lightly? I just recently read this article in Elite Daily, where intelligent women tend to be single. I cannot help but smile and high five the author mentally. Thank you, Lauren. You certainly speak for the women out there who are struggling to find themselves men who have more balls than they do. 

Often I encounter men who tell me women belong in the kitchen and women should be weak as well as to dial down on their fierceness. First of all, do you mean that only weak women deserve to be loved and appreciated? Secondly, since when being smart is socially & culturally wrong?

It scares those men so much when women challenge their views and show their abilities to take good care of themselves. What are we, women, supposed to do and be like? Be submissive to you even though it's clear you're being an ass? Ask you to open a jar of Nutella so that we won't chip our carefully manicured nails? Wait for you at your hands and feet like a dog asking for treats? 

There's something about intelligent women and their widely misunderstood facade. People forget that they, too, want to be loved. They have seen and done a lot of things that make them as impenetrable as their exterior. They are smart enough to know the world is no longer black and wide. They are not oblivious to the fact that their lives are no longer governed by the stereotypes and typical paths trodden by their society. They want different things than what they initially wanted in high schools.

What did we know in high schools anyway? Besides marriage and kids? That was how we were supposed to end our lives, wasn't it? Finish school, get a degree, get married and have kids. Did we think of the life after that? I certainly did not. Do you know how difficult it is to stay married and to love that same person you're married to 30-50 years down the road? To touch no other women or men except your spouses? To not want personal space or say no to friends' invitations to have a good night out? To find only your spouses attractive & feel that intense lust & sexual desire only for them? To love them when they're at their absolute worst and have betrayed you in every possible way you could think of? 

So, women nowadays have seen better and want to do better. Why blame them for wanting better? If they wanted to leave their jobs to travel and move to another country, could you blame them for being selfish and impulsive? If they had trust issues & gave you a hard time, could you blame them for being hard to get? It's no longer about blaming who or what is wrong. People evolve, either physically, spiritually or emotionally. If you find yourself wanting so many things or people at this point of life, ask yourself, are you not selfish or greedy? Or would you play the moral police and say, "No, that is YOU. I'm not like that"? 

I am selfish, for there are still so many things I have not done and for all the people I have yet to meet. I am selfish, for all the love I keep to myself just because I do not want my heart to be broken into pieces again. I am selfish, for all the time I want to spend with my friends and loved ones because they are the only ones that matter to me now. I am selfish with my decisions, right or wrong, because I have given a large portion of my life away and those years I cannot get back. I am selfish with every calculated moves I make because between those moves, I find happiness and comfort. 

Is it wrong to want different things? You tell me.

Yes, I'm waiting for that man.

To end my long post (TL:DR), here's a picture of round eyed and absolutely adorable Nala. 

Sunday, March 09, 2014

Dear Someone.

If I could sum it all up, I would tell you that you were a surprise. A surprise that truly caught me off guard and one that derailed me off every track I'd built inside of me. 

I have always dreamed of meeting someone like you. I have always thought of wanting to be close to someone who just effortlessly walks into my life and checks every bullet in my 'Man of My Dreams' list. I have always wanted to say, I found him. 

And you are him. The 'him' that a 20 year old me would approve. You were always there for me when I was feeling low. You kept coming back to me although I never really wanted to know you. Your presence meant nothing to me, and I didn't even know your name. But, you were there. And then, your presence started to mean everything to me. 

I love talking to you and telling you about my day. Not because I want to, because you ask, and you always want to know. I love our long talks about our pasts and future; some pasts were too dark and yet you still wanted me to know. I love how you make me forget about my heartbreaks and keep telling me that you are always there for me. I love that you include me in your big life decisions such as getting the house you've always wanted, and asking my opinions on how to decorate your future home. I love that you care for my friends and even want to meet them so that you could befriend people who mean so much to me. 

And most of all, I love the way you make me all giddy inside and you make me happy, real happy. You are like the teddy bear I never had, one that makes me all warm and fuzzy. I love how smart you are with your ideas and views on life, and that attracts me. I love how gentle you love the people around you, especially your parents. You're strong, optimistic, realistic, determined, stable, funny, collected and very dedicated to your work. You take good care of yourself and that inspires me to take good care of myself, too.

Every time you are away from me, I find myself waiting for you to come back so that we could tease each other with silly jokes and then cuddle til we both fall asleep. I don't know if I love you, maybe I do, but maybe I don't. I stop thinking about it, because all I can do now is to enjoy every waking moment with you. You give me a sense of serenity and security. I am everything I am when I'm with you, because you've seen and known my flaws. I can say anything crazy, and you laugh, because you understand what I mean and what I really don't.

I could imagine spending the rest of my life with you, and to see your face every morning when I wake up. I could imagine holding your hands as we watch movies together in the cinema. I could imagine being down with fever and you would be there with cold towel and panadols to ease my fever. I could imagine traveling around the world with you and take silly pictures together. I could imagine having petty arguments with you and we both would not go to bed angry, because you hate that. I could imagine you asking me how to fold bedsheets and shirts, because you don't have the slightest clue.

But you're not real. I want you to be real, to have and to hold, but you're not real. I know you're going to leave effortlessly, just as how you walked into my life. It's going to burn me, and I'm going to miss you badly. I'm going to dream of you and all that we could ever be, but you're not real. 

At times, I prayed that I was the one who came to your life earlier, and we both had done everything on earth together. I wish I had met you sooner, and not in this way. I wish I could fight for you. I wish I could wait for you, but that would be foolish of me. 

I hope someday you'll look back on your life, and you think of me. I hope you'll remember me and what I mean to you. And when you see something or someone that reminds you of me, you'll smile because you know you've had me. I'm going to reminisce and think of you as the one I could never have. It will hurt, but I know over time, I'll be okay. 

Maybe you'll read this someday, and smile because you know it's about you. Maybe you won't, but, that's alright, too. I just want to write and express what you mean to me. 

Maybe I'll see you in the future, somewhere nice perhaps, and we'll be smiling at each other from afar. Maybe in another life, we could be together and I unquestionably would not let you get away.

Saturday, March 08, 2014

What being single means to me.

Many years back, I thought I would be happily married to the man I loved by now. I had a pretty solid plan; get engaged in 2011, and then get hitched a year later. I seemed to have it all cut out for me, except that never happened. 

It seems that every girl has their own timeline to almost everything; when to get married, when to have kids, when to go on vacations. I was a sucker for timeline back then, I really thought it would work for me. Since then, I stop it altogether. Since I chose to be a single woman. 

I had a good relationship, and I had good people who truly cared for me, but I kind of screwed it all up when I decided to end my 7 year relationship with my ex. Nobody saw that coming, and nobody believed it came from me. But I digress. I like my life now. Screw that, I FREAKING LOVE it. I am going to turn 26 this year, and I have a slightest clue on boyfriends. So, these are the reasons I love being single, and probably a couple of reasons I sort of hate it.

1. Absolute, unperturbed freedom.
I am free to make my own decisions and to act out on those decisions without any compromise or judgments. Sure, I make mistakes along the way but I learn a lot from the failed attempts and misguided days. I don't have to ask for second opinions when I want to buy lots of Charles & Keith bags. I don't have to explain to anyone why I am out chilling with friends at 2am.

2. I can like and admire whoever I want, anytime I want.
I like to think that I have a rather wild soul in me that thirsts for adventure and a whole lot of nonsense. I like admiring good looking people and sometimes I tell them, when I have the courage. Sometimes, they reciprocate and we hang out. I allow myself to be out there and talk to complete strangers because I simply like being around people. Sometimes, I have crushes on guys, but I now know well enough that they won't end up being my boyfriend.  

3. Total selfishness.
No, I don't mean it in I-matter-the-most or everything-in-this-world-should-be-mine kind of selfishness. It's the kind where you FINALLY can do things for yourself that you have not been able to do when you're in a relationship. I'm talking about being friends with guys & not being constantly pestered to end your friendships with them, going to places you've always to go to, being friends with anyone that you have connection with, buying whatever your heart fancies, dressing up anyhow you want and meeting anybody you like. 

You finally get to go to concerts that you've been wanting to attend & you finally get to know who you truly are, without restrictions.

Because everything you do, is all for you. 

4. Independence.
You know, the kind of relationships that make you co-dependent on each other? That everything you do or say must please your other half, and every decision you make must benefit each other. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but it's a relief to NOT be in that. I remember how dependent I was, that everything I did needed his approval and I couldn't go out shopping without him. I felt awkward & horribly terrified whenever I thought of sitting alone in cafes without him. 

I even felt so guilty whenever I went out with my girlfriends, because I feared he might think that I was cheating on him. Right now, I eat alone in cafes and it doesn't bother me a bit. I spend more time reading books and do some people watching, and whenever I'm lucky, I get to strike conversations with nice people there. I am free to go out at 12am whenever friends call me up for some good time or just some beer time at some cafe with a good live band. 

And the one I love the most? I am free to make my own choices & live with the consequences without a boyfriend who will say "I told you so!"

5. No constant judgments & criticisms.
If there was one thing I couldn't stand, it would be someone who kept criticizing every choice that you made. You make the smallest mistake, and your significant other starts to make the grandest speech on why you shouldn't have done it. You both get into a fight, and the next day, one of you pretends like the fight never took place. So, you start having grudges on each other, and some days you just feel like walking out on him/her. 

Now, I know eventually I'll fall again & stumble my way through this life with a lot of mistakes & hiccups, but I'll survive. This time, without so much slings and arrows coming my way.

6. You can go anywhere you want, and nobody's going to stop you.
When I started working, I told myself I would go out to the world and be all there. So, I'm always on the lookout for cheap tickets to any destination in the world. I want to go to Krabi & frolic in the sun on a pristine beach with crystal clear ocean in front of me. I want to go to New Zealand to experience the nature and bungee jump. I want to go to Bali & go to the Bali Spirit festival and meet some cool people. 

I want to go everywhere & anywhere, as long as my bank account permits me to, and no one to explain my intentions to travel to. 

And like everything in this world, all good things have to come to an end.

1. It gets lonely.
I won't kid myself, it truly gets lonely at times when you're single. You miss having someone who is always there for you and someone to hold you whenever you are not feeling yourself that day. At times, I do long for someone permanent in my life, someone who will be my husband one day. Someone who will kiss my forehead & remind me how much he loves me, everyday. Someone who will wash my dirty car & take me out on dates. Someone who loves me more than I love him. Someone who appreciates all the little things I do for him.

2. It makes you vulnerable.
Having a man by your side means you are protected from all assholes out there. Being single doesn't. Some men pounce on you the moment they hear you are single. Some men test you by thinking they can win you. This is the time you'll meet all sorts of men and your self worth. This is the time you'll realize your strong persona scares weak men. This is the time you'll understand the true meanings of lust, infatuation and love. This is the time you'll have feelings you'll never fully comprehend. This is the time you'll have to constantly tell yourself to make better decisions.

This is the time you'll feel the pain that there isn't anyone there to care for you & to hold you at night. When the show ends and the curtains are drawn, you only have yourself & that has to hurt somehow. 

All these years, I thought I would never change. I lied. I have changed over the years & I have a different outlook on life now. I am more open to possibilities & I am learning to judge less. I have been single for a while now, and I keep telling myself, Hey it's okay, you chose this life. Yes, I definitely did choose this life. I choose to be alone. 

I have yet to meet the one I want to be with for the rest of my life. I have yet to meet anyone remotely close to that. I've definitely met a few jerks and a few nice ones, but that's all they ever are; just people I've gotten to know & have left. 

Someday, when I do meet Mr Right, he's going to be the one who's going to allow me to make mistakes & yet to know better than to judge me for them. He's going to be the one who is a stronger person than I am. 

Because being single has taught me the most profound thing; Always, always be strong for yourself, because you're all that you have now.


“Apa-apa komen, permintaan, cadangan atau komunikasi lain yang lucah, sumbang, palsu, mengancam atau jelik sifatnya dengan niat untuk menyakitkan hati,menganiayai, mengugut atau mengganggu orang lain; atau memulakan suatu komunikasi dengan menggunakan mana-mana perkhidmatan aplikasi, sama ada secara berterusan, berulang kali atau selainnya, dan dalam masa itu komunikasi mungkin atau tidak mungkin berlaku, dengan atau tanpa mendedahkan identitinya dan dengan niat untuk menyakitkan hati, menganiayai, mengugut atau mengganggu mana-mana orang di mana-mana nombor atau alamat elektronik, adalah melakukan suatu kesalahan, tindakan boleh diambil”.


Click Me!

Click Me!