Saturday, March 08, 2014

What being single means to me.

Many years back, I thought I would be happily married to the man I loved by now. I had a pretty solid plan; get engaged in 2011, and then get hitched a year later. I seemed to have it all cut out for me, except that never happened. 

It seems that every girl has their own timeline to almost everything; when to get married, when to have kids, when to go on vacations. I was a sucker for timeline back then, I really thought it would work for me. Since then, I stop it altogether. Since I chose to be a single woman. 

I had a good relationship, and I had good people who truly cared for me, but I kind of screwed it all up when I decided to end my 7 year relationship with my ex. Nobody saw that coming, and nobody believed it came from me. But I digress. I like my life now. Screw that, I FREAKING LOVE it. I am going to turn 26 this year, and I have a slightest clue on boyfriends. So, these are the reasons I love being single, and probably a couple of reasons I sort of hate it.

1. Absolute, unperturbed freedom.
I am free to make my own decisions and to act out on those decisions without any compromise or judgments. Sure, I make mistakes along the way but I learn a lot from the failed attempts and misguided days. I don't have to ask for second opinions when I want to buy lots of Charles & Keith bags. I don't have to explain to anyone why I am out chilling with friends at 2am.

2. I can like and admire whoever I want, anytime I want.
I like to think that I have a rather wild soul in me that thirsts for adventure and a whole lot of nonsense. I like admiring good looking people and sometimes I tell them, when I have the courage. Sometimes, they reciprocate and we hang out. I allow myself to be out there and talk to complete strangers because I simply like being around people. Sometimes, I have crushes on guys, but I now know well enough that they won't end up being my boyfriend.  

3. Total selfishness.
No, I don't mean it in I-matter-the-most or everything-in-this-world-should-be-mine kind of selfishness. It's the kind where you FINALLY can do things for yourself that you have not been able to do when you're in a relationship. I'm talking about being friends with guys & not being constantly pestered to end your friendships with them, going to places you've always to go to, being friends with anyone that you have connection with, buying whatever your heart fancies, dressing up anyhow you want and meeting anybody you like. 

You finally get to go to concerts that you've been wanting to attend & you finally get to know who you truly are, without restrictions.

Because everything you do, is all for you. 

4. Independence.
You know, the kind of relationships that make you co-dependent on each other? That everything you do or say must please your other half, and every decision you make must benefit each other. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but it's a relief to NOT be in that. I remember how dependent I was, that everything I did needed his approval and I couldn't go out shopping without him. I felt awkward & horribly terrified whenever I thought of sitting alone in cafes without him. 

I even felt so guilty whenever I went out with my girlfriends, because I feared he might think that I was cheating on him. Right now, I eat alone in cafes and it doesn't bother me a bit. I spend more time reading books and do some people watching, and whenever I'm lucky, I get to strike conversations with nice people there. I am free to go out at 12am whenever friends call me up for some good time or just some beer time at some cafe with a good live band. 

And the one I love the most? I am free to make my own choices & live with the consequences without a boyfriend who will say "I told you so!"

5. No constant judgments & criticisms.
If there was one thing I couldn't stand, it would be someone who kept criticizing every choice that you made. You make the smallest mistake, and your significant other starts to make the grandest speech on why you shouldn't have done it. You both get into a fight, and the next day, one of you pretends like the fight never took place. So, you start having grudges on each other, and some days you just feel like walking out on him/her. 

Now, I know eventually I'll fall again & stumble my way through this life with a lot of mistakes & hiccups, but I'll survive. This time, without so much slings and arrows coming my way.

6. You can go anywhere you want, and nobody's going to stop you.
When I started working, I told myself I would go out to the world and be all there. So, I'm always on the lookout for cheap tickets to any destination in the world. I want to go to Krabi & frolic in the sun on a pristine beach with crystal clear ocean in front of me. I want to go to New Zealand to experience the nature and bungee jump. I want to go to Bali & go to the Bali Spirit festival and meet some cool people. 

I want to go everywhere & anywhere, as long as my bank account permits me to, and no one to explain my intentions to travel to. 

And like everything in this world, all good things have to come to an end.

1. It gets lonely.
I won't kid myself, it truly gets lonely at times when you're single. You miss having someone who is always there for you and someone to hold you whenever you are not feeling yourself that day. At times, I do long for someone permanent in my life, someone who will be my husband one day. Someone who will kiss my forehead & remind me how much he loves me, everyday. Someone who will wash my dirty car & take me out on dates. Someone who loves me more than I love him. Someone who appreciates all the little things I do for him.

2. It makes you vulnerable.
Having a man by your side means you are protected from all assholes out there. Being single doesn't. Some men pounce on you the moment they hear you are single. Some men test you by thinking they can win you. This is the time you'll meet all sorts of men and your self worth. This is the time you'll realize your strong persona scares weak men. This is the time you'll understand the true meanings of lust, infatuation and love. This is the time you'll have feelings you'll never fully comprehend. This is the time you'll have to constantly tell yourself to make better decisions.

This is the time you'll feel the pain that there isn't anyone there to care for you & to hold you at night. When the show ends and the curtains are drawn, you only have yourself & that has to hurt somehow. 

All these years, I thought I would never change. I lied. I have changed over the years & I have a different outlook on life now. I am more open to possibilities & I am learning to judge less. I have been single for a while now, and I keep telling myself, Hey it's okay, you chose this life. Yes, I definitely did choose this life. I choose to be alone. 

I have yet to meet the one I want to be with for the rest of my life. I have yet to meet anyone remotely close to that. I've definitely met a few jerks and a few nice ones, but that's all they ever are; just people I've gotten to know & have left. 

Someday, when I do meet Mr Right, he's going to be the one who's going to allow me to make mistakes & yet to know better than to judge me for them. He's going to be the one who is a stronger person than I am. 

Because being single has taught me the most profound thing; Always, always be strong for yourself, because you're all that you have now.

1 comment:

gavin said...

Its better to be single but not for a whole life. Just a matter of time. Im sure you will meet the one who will love you more than you do. As you getting older you will learn more and gain experience on how to live with or without man. I hope that you will be taken by someone who will put more effort to love you babe.. anyway enjoy your life as you want first. Cheers!��


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